? Just walk away ?

collige virgo rosas — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 02:39:46 +0000

So the other night he was at the show too, helping out at the front desk…and I was with a group of friends, one of my guy friends came late so we walked in together…so it looked like we went together. We walked by front desk and I just gave him a silly face, he said “enjoy the show”, then we went in…I was mad for the fact that he didn’t ask me to go…I asked him twice before but he always have an excuse…so I didn’t ask him this time, then he showed up there. I’m not sure if he went with someone…I did see him walk out with a girl…it was last Thurs…we haven’t talk since then…sun night he texted me an unhappy face…didn’t say anything, I texted him back saying “y ar u sad?” he never text back…the thing is he will tell me when he go hang out with friends, yet he never ask me to go with him, and tell me that I’m not invited sometimes…it quite clear that he’s not that serious with me. I just annoyed by the way how we communicate…we rarely talk on the phone, every time he calls, he just come hang at my place, and want sex…I mean we don’t really do anything else together…recently he helped me fix my car, and we went to shop a little…but he left me at 6pm on Valentine’s Day. I do enjoy the physical part with him, and we do make each other laugh…but for sure I know this is hardly going to be a real relationship…and at the same time I will get super jealous when I imagine he’s with someone else…it’s just not healthy at all…I don’t know if there’s anyway I can reestablish this relationship, or if I can’t, then how I should end it?

Lying to myself

collige virgo rosas — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 07:22:28 +0000

I know I haven’t been taking control of my own life very well this past year. I learned not to take things too seriously and “go with the flow”, yet at some point I feel like I let myself go way too much…end up doing things that I am not so sure if I should have. I’m working illegally…as an international student I am desperate to make as much money as I can…I start teaching piano and I love my job! Yet I am only allowed to work on campus. It’s been months since I start working for this online agency and right at the beginning I already told myself that this is risky…yet I also really need the money…I keep ignoring the problem and now is coming up tax time and I’m afraid that I will get arrested…..I find myself still lying to myself even at this moment when I’m typing this post…the thing that bugs me the most is not my working status, is relationship, yet I don’t even have the guts to write it out at the beginning of this post…ok, here we go…I keep lying to myself that as soon as I keep being avaliable to that person, our relationship will turn into something that I want, even though I know that 95% of the time he hangs out with me is just because he wants to get intimate…and I do like that…yet I rarely get any emotional support from him and he did borrow money from me and never pay me back…I know that I don’t want to be his “friend” anymore but on the other hand I keep telling myself it’s ok that even the only time I get to be close to him is when we are in bed…I’m tired to wait for his call, I’m tired to keep hoping that one day we will actually go hang out…I start hang out with him since last summer and just until recently we will actually go do something together…I know for a fact that this is not going to be anything serious and I keep telling myself that it’s ok as I probably will move to somewhere else for school soon anyway, yet just by seeing him adding other girls on facebook makes me want to cry…I hate that sometimes he’s so enthuestic about hanging out with me, then sometimes he won’t call at all…why am I still let myself into this mess… I guess I am craving for attention from opposite sex and we did share some interests, yet I have to admit that I’m pretty up tight and he is totally free spirit and I’m don’t want to change myself to adjust to the relationship anymore…he opens up to me more after several times of arguing…yet I am just not getting enough from him…I don’t need much romance; I don’t need to go to any fancy place for a date; I don’t need him to call me every night…I just want to be hug sometimes, a real hug from someone who truly cares for me…Valentine’s Day I was hanging out with him and he came to get intimate with me then he went on hanging out with his friends…then an old friend of mine came hang out with me for the night…I know that he likes me but for some reason I never really got attracted to him…he’s a great guy, doing great in school, good sense of humor, play music…the most important thing is he talks to me, listen to me…much much more than the guy I’m dealing with. Let’s call him Mr.C . I do enjoy my time with C, when we talk about music or watching a movie, but just having the idea that “we don’t belong together but just enjoy the moment” popping in my head all the time, it drives me crazy. He always says that he belongs to no one…I learned from his free-spiritness so I don’t worry too much, yet at the same time it makes me feel very insecure…I started to like my old friend, especially we had a great time hanging out together last nigth…I even have the idea of leaving Mr.C immediately and get close to him…that probably sounds very selfish…I am just a selfish human being who wants to love and be loved.

So here the real deal!

collige virgo rosas — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 08:28:56 +0000

arrrrrrrrrrr……can’t believe I haven’t been back for SOOOOOOO LONGGGGGGG….well, ya a lot of things happened w/in these few months…..I moved into a new apartment which is very nice and I have great roommies, I have been super busy for school since May, I started to teach piano as a private piano teacher, which I’m quite satisfied with the income I and making and the relationships I have w/ my students, I have became more passionate and motivated since I moved to the new place as all my roommies are very intelligent and unique in their own way, which pushes me to do my best. For a while I don’t even want to come back to write any blog due to busyness, and I’m kind of ashamed of what happened these few months that I don’t even want to face it…..ya I gave a way my 1st kiss….and more kisses….more about physical attraction than romance…and I started to be close to him who does’t really give a damn about me….and I distance myself from church. I’m attracted to him, but deep on in my heart I know I won’t fall in love with him and I know I won’t get what I need from him but physical closeness. I’m risking my faith for all these times…and I really did try to tell him that it’s just not working out as I’m in a position that I can do what he wants me to do as it violates my belief and I can’t stand how he’s treating me….yet again and again he ignored my complaints and just show up at my door and seek for action….which I can’t give as a Christian….it’s been hard for me…as a lot of times I can’t really control myself to think of him…what encouraged me is I do know that God is in control… I remember a long time ago a pastor revealed to me that God has a plan for me that I should pray for people who have drug addictions…at first I was confused…does that means poeple in general?? Then I moved to these new place and found that 2 of my roomies, both are wonderful and intelligent girls, smoke marijuana…and one of them even did some pills(which I have no idea what they are at all…) and one time they were even sharing their experience of doing drugs….excited like 2 8 year-old talking about Hanna Motanna…it’s so sad…I have been praying but I really don’t know hoe to open up and talk to them…then I have been struggling with my own problem—-the relationship with him…step by step I’m distancing myself from him…so we’ll see.

I have been pretty motivated to do whatever I can to rediscover my interests…I love design and I repaint the apartment with my roomies…it’s pretty cool and I will post some pictures later. I have spent more time on myself and to do things that I love; cooking(Thai, Indian food~), discover new music, learn more about photography, get well rest and entertain myself, try to put on my best look everyday (both appearance and mood)…it has been fun and very enjoyable. I told myself that I’m 22 now, and I have to start pushing myself to do whatever I want to do or it will be too late once I met someone…which will be a different part of the journey and life will not be just about me anymore. So I push myself to work hard, play hard and laugh hard. I’m learning to live for God and for myself. So here’s the real deal, Iife is short and I’m learning to invest in my interest. I was writing a list of things I want to own/learn this evening:

1) A nice, professional camera for amature photographer

2) A Cello/Violin….more instruments!!!

3) Professional music composition software+hardware

4) Mini Cooper!!! *u*

5) Ticket to Egypt/ India/Mediterranean/Africa/Sri Lanka…

6) I fell in love w/ Takuya Kimura recently….The boots he wear in “Love Generation” (Red Wings) will be what I want for this fall!!!

7) Get into the Grad school that I want…then finish my credential in Music Therapy

9)I’m also interesting in journalism…so I’m pushing myself to read more!

I’m super excited as I think I will get to go back to HK the end of this year, and I will get to stay till Chinese year!!! AWESOME!!!! ~

So I’m working hard everyday! I’m very glad that I decided to start teaching piano and I get great experience from teaching!!!It’s very exhausting sometimes as you’ve to be REALLY PATIENT to be a teacher, sometimes student will get frustrated and I have to constantly encourage them…I found it most satisfying when they make achievement. All my students and their parents love me~ So I’ll keep trying my best! I think teaching others to love music is the BEST job ever!!!

Get up, dress up & show up! >u< I hope u do the same!~

How HE Loves Us!!!!!

collige virgo rosas — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 10:03:57 +0000

Earlier my post talked about how I met this guy and things got all touchy …during the first 2 days I was all excited ..yet those feelings and desires started to make me feel pressure….pressure of carrying God’s name yet not acting Godly….”Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14

The more I thought about, I more I felt that God is totally not pleased about what had happened….at first I was planing not to tell anyone but just wait and see what I should do…we just spent some time being cozy on the sofa that Sun afternoon…then I went to church feeling numb and felt lost touch with God….finally after the sermon I decided to talk to 2 of the sisters….and they prayed for me and reminded me that I really shouldn’t be that close with a guy right at the beginning, plus he’s not Christian… it’s not that he not a nice person…he actually has a lot of qualities that I love…just that what had happened wasn’t appropriate at all….so I could really sleep well cause I have no idea how to confront him….I even posted questions on “yahoo answers” and hoped that some Christians saw my post would give me some advice….I just felt so unpleasant in my mind….I did got some good advice from some people that I should figure out what the boundary should be and be clear to him that what I want and what I don’t want….so still kind of not sure how to handle the whole and been wondering the whole day today….so both of us have work shift tonight so I saw him at the work…and I was acting unnatural cause I couldn’t stop thinking about the whole thing….then after work…he wanted to give me a ride home. So we walked to his brother’s house to get his car…as we were walking along…he started talking to me about how he’s stress and what’s going on with his family and himself….it’s interesting that the feelings is different….as earlier I felt like he may just looking for action, or using me….yet at that moment he seemed to trust me and kept talking to me…and I was kind of quiet since I’m still confused. So the more I talked to him, I found out more about his family issues and his struggles with spiritual growth…all of a sudden I got excited….I kind of started to see what exactly is going on here—-someone is wondering about GOD!!! He told me that he’s been going with friends to youth groups on Fri night and he did accepted Jesus Christ yet there’s so much uncertainty that he doesn’t understand. I nearly yell “Praise the Lord” out loud once he talked to me about all these quotes in the Bible that he doesn’t understand…I cannot say that’s it but I guess God is giving me a project here…I was ashamed as he talked about the bible…caused he seems to have read more than I do….yet I seemed to heard God’s calling….this is not just a spiritual battle for me to learn to be faithful in Lord to resist the temptation of physical closeness, but it’s also a calling for tremendous spiritual growth in Christianity! I saw my path of how I grew into a Christian as he talked about his situation….and he has the heart to seek HIM! He even said that he started to feel that God is watching over for Him. I’m super happy!!!! Because I asked him to go to starbuck with me so we could talk that I was planning to bring up about how all the touchy things have to stop and we should be clear about the relationhsip between us….yet he just started up talking about Christianity…I was SO GLAD… we even went back to my place to read Bible together! Well my mistakes again that we did hugged and sat close together…yet I warned him that no kissing and no sensitive part touching… and he respected that…how I look at it is…God has taken care of this issue for me…I don’t need to worry about how to open up and tell him why we should keep a distance because I’m Christian, plus we’re just started to be friends. I did confront to him about that and he didn’t really say anything…still have to watch out! But there’s progress! So now I’m more clear about God’s prospective in this…that I don’t have to just walk away from him(which I was thinking to…) but helping him and hopefully we can grow together in Christ…i’m not really looking for a relationship, but I believe I can be friends with him for now.

Praise the Lord!!!!! Who takes care of EVERYTHING!!!!!!

P.S. I was starting to believe that he’s just looking for action…later afternoon he texted me a smiley face…then the horoscope says:

:Today is a 7. A person you sometimes find frustrating has also captured your heart. This is good. It keeps the relationship eternally interesting.”

………what I can say…………

I nearly gave my 1st kiss away tonight

collige virgo rosas — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 08:52:51 +0000

I was so not me tonight. I still can’t really catch up with what happened these 2 days…I just start going back to my old job like last week and I wasn’t feeling anything special but annoyed cause I really don’t like my part time job that much( I’m a caller… >o<) It’s better to work there this semester cause I’m more put together emotionally and able to learn to enjoy my job. There’s this one guy who has been working there since the last time I worked there, which was 2 semester ago, and now he’s a co-supervisor…I think he’s cute and very nice(nice voice, broad shoulders, cruelly hair…) …yesterday night after work (around 9pm) I asked him if he could give me a ride home, I remember 2 semester before as I work there he once gave me and a few girls a ride home, and I remember that he was nice). He hesitated and then said yes. He wasn’t sure if I really want to get a ride from him cause he parked pretty far way, I didn’t mind cause I just want to have someone with me when I go home. So we walked for like more than 15 mins in the neighborhood under the moon light, the conversation was pretty enjoyable. Then once I got into his car, I was fascinated cause it was filled with CDs of jazz and classic rock…I always find guys who like that kind of music attractive…and then we just kept talking,,,as his car stopped in front of my apartment, he asked me if I wanted to hang out. So we went to starbuck and talked for an hour…it was really nice cause we found that we’re quite similar, love the similar kind of music & food. As he dropped me off, he requested for a goodbye hug. You may find me weird to tell you this but it’s true…I’m the kind of person who go by feelings very often…and it took me nearly 3 yrs to let go the last guy was because he gave me the best hug that I ever experienced (still is at this moment). That you could actually feel the strength & feelings of that person…I haven’t really experience such a “passionate hug” since then, even though the guys who hugged me are really cute…I couldn’t really feel anything…sometimes I even find it uncomfortable…the hug in the car last night wasn’t really that special, yet I’m surprised to find myself look forward for another one. He kept my cabby cap and asked me to text him so he can check out my keyboard at my apartment sometimes…i couldn’t really sleep last night cause I kept thinking about what had happened…and does this means I should move on and forget the guy back then?? But this new guy reminds me of the old one… his name is “mau…” and he asked me to call him “meow”…that hit me cause that’s kind of like the “secret language” between the old guy and me…and I know the old guy has never forgotten that… and it’s something really special that we shared, even we’re not together. The other thing that makes me worry about this whole thing is, not to be prejudice but just respecting my belief, he’s not Christian…he’s from a Christian family…yet he doesn’t really believe it himself. Really I won’t ever try to make anyone to convert to Christian just because I want to be with them, I believe IN God that He’s in control and that if He wants me to have this relationship, He’ll show me. Anyhow I was still struggling if I should text him to come over or not this afternoon…I did cause he’s a real musician ( self-taught guitarist~ and I did wanted to share some music with him…so he came over during the afternoon and we had a good time and played guitars together…he sang me some of his compositions and I LOVE them~ Then we went to work together…man I can’t believe that I start thinking if he’s paying attention to me…anyhow he was and he wanted to give me a ride home. It’s Thur night and it’s mostly a girls night out with my friends. But I didn’t get to get a hold with them until I got home with “Mau” as he asked if I wanted to watch some shows together, then I said I could make him some pasta. My girls did call later and I told them that I would meet them up after an hour or so then I could finish up the past with Mau then he would drop me off…so…after the pasta, as we were watching the show…well we were kind of playful and he kind of got closer to me…well in a very respective way…or tried to get me to come closer to him…hair touching…then he kind of lay next to me….said that I can lay in his arms…than hug and he smelled my hair…I really like it cause he was so gentle, but that’s way too fast for me… and to be honest…I never kiss or even really cuddle with anyone…I always want to save those until I’m in a serious relationship…and all these happened so fast…I kind of pushed him away and told him that it’s too fast for me…and he respected that and didn’t try to make me to do anything. He just hold me, smelled my hair, tough my hands, breath next to my ear…that was SO TEMPTING!!!! I loved to touch his hair too. it sounds funny that he has long black curly hair, but it was so nice to run my fingers through his hair…and I love how his hands shape, so masculine yet musician-like…kind of reminds me of the old guy….later on he was going to drop me off to meet friends…but I guess he was so tired and we couldn’t really find the place…he still tried to kiss me as he drop me off home again…arrrrrrrr….this is so crazy….I really don’t want to jump into this cause I guess we have different perspectives on kissing and relationship in general…I can’t just kiss someone than just be friends with that person(I’m very conservative!!!) …and I think he’s not looking for something serious….even though he thinks that I’m cute and I feel that he’s not a player…..arrrrrrrrrr….in the last relationship it took me and that person 2 yrs to finally get to the point of taling about “getting close” and at that time we were already transfered to different schools and we stopped the connection for few months at least twice…and he still came back and asked me if I wanted to be with him…that’s what I think a real relationship is… and I afraid I’ll get hurt if I kiss Mau….so I kissed him on his cheek…yet he turned all of a sudden that part of my lips touched his…very confused right now….I really don’t feel right to get that close with a non-Christian…Well and guess what I read from the Horoscope page in the newspaper:

Leo (July 23- Aug 22)

“Today is an 8. A lover’s dream could actually come true, against all odds. You’re such a natural romantic, the game is bound to turn out in your favor. “

Man…this is so crazy!!!!!!! >~<

Journey of Rediscovery (II)

collige virgo rosas — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 09:47:38 +0000

I am trying to get myself back to my neutral state of mind, when I use to see the world with a free heart and able to smile when I look into the mirror. On March 3/31 got baptized and I told the pastor I have became a Christian for a year now…but that’s not true…I became a Christian during March of 2006. It seems like automatically my mind just blind off my memory of last year…in order to keep me on track. I can’t believe I can mistaken that…really I haven’t forgot a single thing of last year…it’s just that nothing seems to work out at all last year, I’m so tired to be a failure and I need to just put that burden down and start over. The lost of that relationship really hit me. I really tried not to give in and tried my best to hide my wound and kept moving on. It didn’t work, other people just saw me as a loser who couldn’t even get herself together. I would have go to a therapist since I studied music therapy myself…yet I couldn’t even afford a car and there was no way I can afford therapy. I didn’t even have the energy just to speak up and tell people how much pain I had, or i just thought that everyone experienced that and all I had to do is just to get over it myself. i did question God, why made me hurt this much? Why I have to go through this? God didn’t really answer my questions, yet I know, day by day He provided me helpers who gave me support and courage. I was living with crazy roommates who do drugs, steal others’ things; now I’m living in a much less expensive nice apartment with great roommates. He took away my relationship and my academic plan, which I thought both are what I have to have in my life or I will be destroyed; He proved me wrong and lead me to see all these alternatives in my life. Really, I thought I know myself well…but I was wrong…step by step I’m approaching to what I have been dreaming to be; someone who cares about the world and really reach out to help others, someone who has suffered and strong enough to survive in this worldly world. I have loved deeply once, and I thought that’s the way you love someone. Now seeing more and more couples I have learned so much about how a family and a relationship works. I know I probably have changed after all these time, yet there was a lot of things that I was pretty sure about myself and now I don’t anymore…one of my roommates recently got married. She had only dated that person for about a year, and both of them are students and living on scholarships and loans…at the beginning, I thought nothing is going to work out in this marriage…I was wrong. Since I didn’t have a car, my roommate was the one who take me to church, I got to know her and her finance better. They are so care free about everything, to me it was too easy going, but now I take it as “burden-free”. My roommate wanted a simplest wedding ever, and she never look for fancy wedding dress or any expensive accessories, I really thought that wedding is once in a life time, she should be more picky on everything…while I thought that the wedding would just going to be a blah…it turned out to be one of the most blessed and beautiful wedding I ever been to. They are the most selfless people I even met, and all of their friends are so helpful and did everything for them. They have 8 bride mates and 8 groom men. They were expecting about four hundred people to attend the wedding, and ended up there were about nearly five hundred people attended. Everything turned out so beautiful and elegant…it really is not about how much money and time you invest in a wedding, but how much love, care and support being group in one place. Even though it is totally different from what I used to think my wedding should be, now it became my model wedding!

I was so depressed that I would stay in bed for days unless I was being force to eat or go to the bathroom(yes I didn’t even care to take a shower), I would cry and cry for days and still feeling extremely depress. Now with His help, I’m making new friends who would laugh even I said the stupidest and silliest things, who truly be there for me and care about me. I start over to rediscover about myself; besides of renewing my closet(well…u know…shopping is therapy for girls…), I just push myself to get out there and turn my dreams into actions, that makes me feel good about myself. You know most of time we are too tired (mostly emotionally) that we may be running late for work or class that we don’t even bother to show up?? No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up. I have benefit so much by just doing this…and every time I feel so glad that I did show up after all.

God once said to me, “No people honor you, but I honor you”. He has really put joy in my heart and these two weeks I couldn’t stop smiling when I walk to school or just sitting in front of my laptop and filling my tax form…it’s really interesting…I don’t have a significant someone right now who makes me happy, but I think He is, and I can make myself happy too. So, I’m working on it…to be someone who He knows I should be.

Thank you for reading this post, and I strongly encouraging you to go in front of the mirror now, and smile! No matter how heavy the burden you have, or how much pain you’re in, remember that you’re not alone. You can always start over as soon as you’re alive. So start over with a smile, it is that simple.

I woul

Tips for an Exceptional, Superb & Powerful Life!

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate antidepressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. Buy a TiVo (DVR) and tape your late night shows and get more sleep.

4. When you wake up in the morning , complete the following statement:
“My purpose today is to………………………….”

5. Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm, Empathy.

6. Watch more movies, play more games, and read more books than you did last year.

7. Make time to exercise, practice meditation, do yoga.

8. Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.

9. Dream more while you are awake.

10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less foods that are manufactured in plants.

11. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

13. Clear your clutter from your house, your car, your desk, and let new and flowing energy into your life.

14. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts, or things you cannot control. Instead, invest your energy in the positive present moment.

15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class……but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed-out charge card.

17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the energy vampires away.

18. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

20. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

21. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

22. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

23. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

24. Go on and burn those “special” scented candles, use the 600 thread count sheets, the good china, and wear your fancy lingerie or clothes now. Stop waiting for a special occasion. Everyday is special.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: “In five years, will this matter?”

27. Forgive everyone for everything.

28. What other people think of you is none of your business.

29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time!

30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

31. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch with them.

32. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

33. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

34. The best is yet to come.

35. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

36. Do the right thing!

37. Call your family often.

38. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements:
- “I am thankful for …………………….” “Today I accomplished …………………….. “

39. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

40. Enjoy the ride. Remember that this is not Disney World and you certainly don’t want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it.

d liek to share this with you too~ I found most of them extremely helpful!

Simon’s Cat~

collige virgo rosas — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 00:22:11 +0000

I’ve been trying to reconnect with friends in order to stop myself feeling worthless and lonely, especially stop myself from thinking about the person who is no longer close by. I did pretty well~ Sorority retreat….beach day…Red Mango….movie night….coffee & shopping~ so far I’m having FUN~ It feels great to feel in control of my feelings~!

I found this on youtube today, it’s really cute!!! I’m a cat lover, so as my family….but we never get to have a cat cause the apartments in Hong Kong are way too small….

Journey of Rediscovery (I)

collige virgo rosas — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 14:02:17 +0000

Well yes it’s 4:35 in the morning…I’m still on my computer, haa! obviously I’ve been spending whole night wandering and scooping through the internet. I really need to take off as I have a 9am class…but I really want to write this down…I have been sleeping whole day anyway(whenever I give myself an excuse that I’m upset, I sleep, hoping to find some comfort through dreaming, like Freud said, “through dreaming we discharge tension, it’s a substitute for wish fulfillment…anyway)

I’ve been pretty down since I transfered to my new college…things got all messed up and life keep pushing me to move on even I refused to…I gave up my opportunities to go to several great colleges and ended up being here just because of this particular major that others schools are not offering, then I found out(actually being told that…) it’s not the major for me( >_<*tears~*), then I’m rushing to graduate due to the financial situation of my family, seems like I can’t just go back and start over…I lost a really good friend who came close to be my fiance…I thought I know what I want to do when I first come to L.A….now I just feel very discouraged and lost…no longer that I know what my specialty is, no longer that I know what I really want to be/ can be. I thought I found the right person to have conversations with, then, after all this time he told me that we don’t have enough commons to come closer…as I first moved here I felt that this is me; cross-cultured and globalized, yet I start to rediscover things about my root culture, and lean to appreciate them much much more. Maybe I start missing home, maybe I start realizing that family is always the closest thing one has , maybe because of all these confusions and discouragement make me miss my early teen life; care free and passionated. I am too afraid to be passionated about anything now; study, friends, love relationship, with this fear that one day I may realize that I’m the only person who actually care.

The only thing I can be thankful about is, my faith in the Lord has deepen. He showed me that the day my bank account was over drafted and have negative balance, I still owned rent, didn’t have any money to buy textbooks & a graph calculator to take my math test, and all I have left in my wallet is a five-dollar bill, I can count on Him. I became more and more desperate to come closer to Him as I realized that even though I officially stop the relationship with that particular person for more then 5 months, and I couldn’t stop thinking about that person every moment since then, I have to be real and believe that, that person has already moved on. This pain forced me to seek comfort in Him. I need Him to guide me since I feel soulless. He has promised me a new heart, and I trust Him. Every time I walk into the dead end of the path, He opens a door for me. I need to remind myself more often that He has considered for me and He has already planned for me.

One of my favor quote, and “coincidently” mt church pastor was talking about it on my 3rd day of fasting:

“For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in Jars of Clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God, and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not driven to despair, persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.” — 2 Corinthians 4:5-10

I’m trying hard to rediscovery myself and learn more about my identity as His child.

Something my dad sent me awhile ago…

collige virgo rosas — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 08:24:23 +0000

I love my dad, he always have a good sense of humor~

Hanging in there

collige virgo rosas — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 11:00:53 +0000

Is it just me that don’t know how to let go…or, every moment with u is planted in the bottom of my heart and it really is not easy to forget? Who would have known that on and off, we lost contact, and you told me that you didn’t feel me that way I did…yet again and again, even we were so far apart and didn’t get to see each other for months and months, you came back, contacted me and asked what I want from this relationship…of course I wanted you…yet you seemed not to be able to make up your mind…you finally decided that it’s not going to work 5 months ago. Has it really been five months already? Why my heart still hurt that much? Why I can still remember every single thing we talked about? Are we really overred?

I guess you’ve moved on, and found some new ones and new conversations that I cannot give. We both thought that God led us together, yet it seems like He is leading us to different paths now…maybe this will be the best for both of us…separate before I move back to HK. Giving me this year without you, I’m hanging in there and trying to forget about you day by day, it should be less painful as I go.